i'm kind of blue right now. i wish i wasn't, but i am. here's a few things in my room that make me happy:









i dunno, i'm in a funk.

oh lj friends, i can't believe you kept me on your friends list so long. i. am. the. worst. sorry i died for a few weeks, but i'm back now! i literally just finished my first year of grad school and all that jazz. one year down, one to go!
what's up with me? well, let's see. i passed my mfa candidacy review with flying colors, got a few shows to look forward to, recently discovered i have a buttload of relatives in the bay area, and have been aggressively job searching. my love life is non-existent, so i mostly go out with my friends for sushi, shows, and get drunk in the park long before it's really appropriate. and, as always, a picture of me from ten seconds ago:

new obsession. love love love.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. reviews are next week and i've been reoccupied with job searching, interviews, school, shows, and getting ready for mfa reviews. oh, and i've been going on secret apartment searches slash interviews. so, in short, all i have time to do is show my ugly mug in front of my computer before i hit some light reading. (that's dork code for reading theory that i actually enjoy rather than something for class.)

me: ... also i met someone fantastic.

my father: fantastic? who?

my response: tall, dark, and sarcastic, just my type. he paints the world the way i wish i could. when i am around him i feel like someone hit me in the head with a rock. i mean that in the best way possible.

he said: you always were a weird one.

this is the first down time i've had in a while. i'm baking some chocolate chip banana bread and working on some ink drawings. a thousand apologies for my absence. a lot has gone on and i promise, i'll post about it in the near future. in the meantime, watch the trailer in the post below. waltz with bashir blew my mind a few days ago and i'm still recovering. three cheers for fantastic films!

finally! a chance to breathe! ... my kid sister came to visit for the week, so between cramming for two crits, two tutorials, and a presentation, i've been playing sf tour guide. whew! behind me is my newest work, which i'll make sure to take real photos of later this afternoon when i find my camera. trust me, it's so rad.

i need to kiss someone. or just lay next to them in my bed. no sex, no weird favors, just lay next to me. i miss warm bodies laying next to me.

my friend the grocery store clerk, vicky, gave me a hug yesterday in the shop while i was buying some milk and coffee. she told me i was the sweetest, brightest thing in her entire day. i just hugged her back without saying anything, and realized that's the first time someone's touched me in any way for the past four weeks.

ignore my after-bar ramblings. remember, i'm just a fool. an absolute fool.

REJECTED LYRICS FOR THE KILLERS' "ALL THE THINGS THAT I'VE DONE" BEFORE THEY EVENTUALLY SETTLED ON "I'VE GOT SOUL, BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER"
by beth edwards

i've got fat, but i'm not a father.
i've got a coat, but i'm not a coatrack.
i've got heat, but i'm not a heathen.
i've got a cat, but i'm really more of a dog person.
i've got ambition, but i'm not one of those people who's just going to knock everyone out of the way to get what he wants, you know?
i've got a rash, but i don't think it' contagious.
i've got cocaine, but i'm just holding it for a friend.

i discovered some unauthorized credit card purchases on my credit card this morning. so far i've spent 2.5 hours arguing on the phone with who i can now identify as online scammers, only to contact visa, cancel my card, and wait for them to reissue me one in the mail.

god what a day. and it's barely past noon.

um in i guess what should be related news, i'm determined to get a job. anyone know of anybody hiring?

edit: 
here's two photobooths of me yesterday, blissfully unaware i'm being scammed.

'ich bin müde ,' i say to fred. his pale sorrowful face stretches into a grin. ich bin müde is the only german sentence i know at the moment. and right now i don't want to  learn any more. learning more means opening up. and i want to stay closed for a while longer.

in the silence of my room, with the romantic stage set in the windows, i arrange my bits and pieces, some i have brought with me, without really knowing why, some i found here, all random and meaningless. a little feather i picked up while walking in the park gleams in front of me, a sentence i read somewhere rings in my head, an old yellowing photograph looks at me, the outline of a gesture i saw somewhere accompanies me, and i don't know what i means or who made it, the ball containing the guardian angel shines before me with its plastic glow. when i shake it, snow falls on the angel. i don't understand the meaning of all of this, i am dislocated, i am a weary human specimen, a pebble, i have been casat by chance on to a difference, safer shore.

- excerpt from the museum of unconditional surrender // dubravka ugrešić